Getting used to your family being different after divorce is always hard, but a lot of people find the first holiday season after divorce especially difficult. Is this your first holiday season after divorce? You’re not alone, and you can do this. Let’s talk about it.
I have a set of tips that are for anyone experiencing their first holiday season after divorce. Then, I have some special tips for those going through it with children in the picture.
For Everyone
1. It’s OK to Feel Whatever You Feel.
Yes, I know, I know -the song tells us that “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” But if it doesn’t feel that way to you, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Adjusting to a new family situation is tough. You are mourning the marriage and family that you thought you would have forever. Don’t beat yourself up about it if you don’t feel especially merry. If you need to take a nap or spend the day reading books by yourself, do it. After all, the holidays are for you, too.
2. Don’t Go It Alone.
Spending the entire holiday alone in your new place is a recipe for depression. If friends invite you to spend the holiday with them, do it! If not, consider finding something to do on the day, like volunteer work.
3. Give to Others.
Speaking of volunteering, there is no better way to get out of your own head than by helping someone else. Check out what charitable events are going on in your community. From helping with a toy drive to serving in a soup kitchen, there are tons of volunteer activities that can help get you out of your head and into your heart. Trust me, even if you don’t feel like doing it, this is going to help.
For PARENTS OF Children
If you have children, you are probably spending part or all of the holiday without them for the first time. Folks who have read this blog for more than a minute know that I strongly believe that the kids should always, always come first, and the holidays are no exception.
If you think getting used to a new family situation is hard on you as an adult, imagine what it’s like for a kid. Their family has broken up, and they have a lot of fears of what life is going to be like from now on. Further, they don’t have the motional and mental coping skills that we adults (hopefully) have. In short: Make this season as easy on the kids as you can.
However, that doesn’t mean you have to go bankrupt showering them with gifts. Here are a few real things you can do to make the holidays a happy time for your kids.
1. Give them a cheerful send-off.
If your kids are going to the other parent’s house for all or part of the holidays, the worst thing you can do is make a big, tearful drama out of it. Making it into a sad event is going to (1) give them anxiety about going and (2) make them feel guilty for leaving you alone. Instead, have a cheerful attitude. Let them know that they’ll have a great time, and they can celebrate again with you later.
2. Make some new traditions.
When the kids are with you, think of some new things you can do together that will be holiday traditions. Whether it’s putting on some holiday music and baking cookies, decorating the tree together, or going on a winter hike together, you can make some new memories to show them that the holidays can still be merry in a two-household family.
3. Put conflict on hold.
If you hate that your ex always sends the kids back wearing the same clothes you sent them in, or lets them eat too much candy, or doesn’t take them to church, or whatever it is that drives you crazy, let it go until after the holidays. After all, this first holiday season after divorce is hard enough without adding conflict.
How about you? If you’ve been through divorce and have some tips on how to navigate the season, drop them in the comments. We always love to hear from you. And, hey – Happy Holidays, and every blessing in the New Year.
