Often when I’m in a consultation with a new client, after telling me a long story about how much they’ve suffered with their ex, the client will say “I’m sorry. I know you’re not my therapist.”
Hey, friend, I don’t mind at all if you tell me long personal stories. Heck, it’s probably impossible to give me the background I need as a divorce lawyer without getting into at least some of it. But you’re not wrong. I’m not a therapist. I went to law school, which is an especially terrible substitute for training to be a therapist. And actually, I do recommend that you get a therapist. Here are a few reasons why.
1. Divorce is Hard
Times of big change are among the hardest times in our lives. Moving, changing jobs, losing a loved one, having a child, and yes, divorce, are all times of tremendous change. Add on the emotional load of conflict that most divorces bring, and you have a perfect storm. Imagining what the next chapter of your life will look like after divorce is a big job, and having support can make all the difference.
2. A Therapist Can Help Call Out Our BullSh*t.
We all have thoughts that seem logical inside our heads, but when we speak them out loud? Not so much. Here are a few that I’ve seen:
- If I get divorced I’m going to be so poor I’ll have to live under a bridge in retirement.
- My kids are going to be messed up and end up in prison.
- There’s no way I can get through this without drinking.
- My ex is 100% evil and I need to get full custody.
A therapist can help you sort out which thoughts are based in reality and which are exaggerations, all-or-nothing thinking, and pure anxiety. They can help you make a clear-eyed plan to move forward.
3. If Your Emotions Are Regulated, You Can Help Your Kids
Your children are going to have some big, big emotions about you getting divorced. They need you to listen to them calmly and without taking their big feelings personally. Many therapists recommend that divorcing parents model calm, listen without judgement, and resist the temptation talk badly about your ex. It’s way easier to do that if you have already processed your own emotions and made a plan about how best to talk to your kids about divorce.
4. You Will Save on Legal Fees – Seriously!
I often tell my clients, “if you use me as a therapist, you will pay double what a therapist would charge, and you will still need therapy at the end.” It’s true! But you’d be surprised how many people call their divorce lawyer just to process the latest outrageous thing that their ex did, or vent about what a terrible person their ex is. While most lawyers will empathize as best they can, we are not trained to help you through the psychological part. We are trained to help you through the legal part. If you use a therapist for the psychological part and a lawyer for the legal part, you will get better results and save yourself some billable hours in the bargain.
5. You’ll Deal With Your Ex Better.
Setting boundaries, navigating conflict, and dealing with difficult people are subjects that therapist excel at. Getting therapy for yourself may well have the added benefit of helping you deal with your ex’s nonsense in a healthier way.
Hey, I know therapy is no-joke expensive in the U.S. However, making an investment in your mental health, just for this temporary, difficult time, can pay off big time for you and your kids in the long term.
