Divorce is never easy—but when emotions run high, communication breaks down, or children are caught in the middle, the process can quickly become high-conflict. In Northern Virginia, where families often face complex custody and financial issues, avoiding mistakes during divorce is key to protecting your future—and your children’s well-being.
At Vaughan Family Law, we have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to things people do in high-conflict divorces. Below are the top 5 biggest mistakes we see—and how you can avoid them.
⚠️ 1. Letting Emotions Drive Legal Decisions
In a high-conflict divorce, it’s normal to feel anger, betrayal, or grief. But making decisions from a place of emotion—rather than strategy—is a ticket to an expensive and difficult divorce. It can cause people to make unreasonable demands, assume the worst about the other party, and turn every decision into a major battle. Paying your lawyer to fight over every object in your house will result in you spending more on your divorce than you get out of it.
In custody cases, making decisions with your emotions will make you look like a parent who can’t put differences aside for the best interests of the children. Remember that the court is looking closely to see if parents are able to work together to solve problems involving the children and support the child’s relationship with the other parent. If you’re being petty and keeping your kids from your ex, it’s a bad look.
And on behalf of family lawyers everywhere, please, please think twice before sending that nasty text message. It’s not going to sound nearly as good when you have to read it aloud in court.
Avoid it: Work with a family law attorney who understands the emotional side. A good attorney can help you stay focused on long-term goals and the best interests of your children—not revenge or temporary “wins.”
⚠️ 2. Using Your Children as Messengers or Leverage
One of the most damaging mistakes in high-conflict divorce is involving your children in adult conflict. This includes:
- Asking your child to report on the other parent
- Speaking badly about your ex in front of your child
- Withholding visitation to punish the other parent
Avoid it: Courts in Northern Virginia prioritize the best interests of the child. Judges are quick to recognize when a parent can’t or won’t do that. Instead, focus on your child’s happiness.
⚠️ 3. Failing to Document Bad Behavior
We lawyers love things that we can prove. Just because “everyone” knows your ex is a narcissist doesn’t mean a judge will be able to see it in the short time we have in court.
If you’re dealing with verbal abuse, threats, financial control, failure to cooperate about the kids, or whatever it may be, you need to document everything.
Avoid it: Keep your emails, texts, and notes about incidents. Take photographs if your ex causes damage to property or (heaven forbid) an injury. And always work with an experienced attorney to present this information strategically.
One Exception: One warning we want to give here is, please think twice about recording your kids. In fact, we have a whole blog post about when recording is a bad idea here.
⚠️ 4. Not Being Honest About FinancES
In high-net-worth or contested divorces, failing to provide complete financial disclosures—or assuming your spouse is —can cost you dearly. The court expects you to be completely open and honest about your finances, and the penalties can be harsh if you don’t.
Still, we recognize that not everyone is open and honest about money in divorce. If you suspect that your spouse is hiding money, be sure to work with an experienced family lawyer. We know how to trace hidden assets and can work with forensic accountants who are experts in that area, if needed.
Avoid it: Disclose fully and expect the same in return. Your attorney can help uncover hidden income or assets and ensure an equitable outcome under Virginia divorce law.
⚠️5. uSing Your Lawyer as a Therapist
Divorce is one of the most difficult emotional experiences out there, and it’s understandable that sometimes you will want to…well…vent. Experienced family law attorneys generally understand this, and we don’t mind taking the occasional rant about your ex or tearful phone call.
But using your divorce lawyer to process your emotions is a costly mistake. For one thing, we are not trained as therapists, so no matter how much we want to help, we just aren’t going to get you the relief you need from difficult feelings. Second, a lawyer’s hourly rate is often two or three times that of a therapist. When you get your bill, you might regret that hour you spent telling us about how your ex always sides with his mother.
Avoid it: We recommend that everyone who is going through divorce gets a therapist. That’s why at Vaughan Family Law, we have partnerships with therapists and offer a free first session for our clients. While we are busily helping you build a better life on the legal side, they can help with the emotional side. Your bill goes down, and everybody wins.
⚠️ 6. Going It Alone Without Legal Representation
In a high-conflict divorce, representing yourself may seem like a way to save money. Unfortunately, it often results in long-term consequences that are far more costly.
The courts have complex rules of evidence, and if you don’t follow them, you won’t be able to show the judge everything they need to see to understand your side of the story. The evidence rules even limit what you can say when you are on the witness stand. Also, the court has deadlines that can cost you the case if you miss them. No matter how correct you are, you can lose your case if you don’t follow the rules properly.
Even in negotiations, you can be missing important information about what your rights are under Virginia law. Further, a lawyer’s judgement is not clouded by emotions, and they don’t find your ex nearly as exhausting as you do.
Avoid it: Hire a skilled family law attorney who knows the rules of your local court, knows the law inside and out, and understands how protect your interests both in and out of court.
✅ How Vaughan Family Law Supports Clients in High-Conflict Divorce
We’re not just legal advocates—we’re guides through one of the hardest chapters of your life. Our team offers:
- Calm, strategic representation
- Experience with high-conflict custody and support cases
- A focus on protecting your children and future stability
- Referrals to therapists and other professionals who can help you build the life of your dreams.
We serve clients in throughout Northern Virginia with compassion, discretion, and strength.
📞 Ready to Take Control of Your Divorce?
Don’t let conflict control the outcome of your divorce. At Vaughan Family Law, we help you navigate even the most difficult divorces with clarity, confidence, and child-focused care.