A few weeks ago a client emailed me for advice about a fight she was having with her ex. Her custody agreement said that both parents would let the other know if they were going out of town with the kids overnight. My client had totally forgotten that provision, and went out of state with the kids for Spring Break without telling her ex. And he was not happy about it. He sent her a few nasty texts about it and he was mad as a hornet. “But we always go see my family on Spring Break,” she told me, “he should have known. What should I say?”
Amazing lawyer that I am, I said something revolutionary. Something unheard of. It might shock you. Are you ready?
I said, “why don’t you just apologize? Tell him, ‘you’re right. I really screwed up. I’m sorry.’ “
The truth is, we all make mistakes. And navigating a new parenting relationship post-separation is not easy.
I think a lot of people are terrified that if they apologize to their ex for messing up, it’s going to come back to bite them in court. After all, didn’t they just admit to doing something wrong? Don’t all those cops on law TV shows say “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?”
The truth is, the opposite is true. If a judge sees a text from one parent to the other apologizing for making a mistake, that judge is way more likely to look on it favorably. Judges don’t often get to see people being polite and reasonable to each other in divorce. It’s refreshing.
Of course, apologizing doesn’t get you completely off the hook – you still have to change your behavior. If you apologize like a pro but then keep doing the same crappy thing over and over, that’s not going to go well for anybody.
But don’t be afraid to apologize. When it’s appropriate, let your kids see you apologize. Apologize to them when you make a mistake that affects them. It sets a beautiful example for them of taking responsibility and being fair to others. And it might just make your co-parenting relationship with your ex go a little more smoothly.
Maybe they won’t forgive you. Maybe they’ll lord it over you and be a real pain in the ass. But what they do is on them. It’s never the wrong time to do the right thing.
Try it and let me know how it goes.