Mediation can be a great tool to save you time, money, and stress when you’re getting divorced. But how do you know when it’s time to mediate? Here are four questions to ask yourself to know if now is the right time to go to mediation.
- 1. Do you have all the information you need?
For mediation to be fair, both parties have to have all the information they need. For example, let’s say you’re mediating about how to divide up your money and assets. You need to know what all the bank accounts, investments, etc. are and how much is in them. If you’re mediating child support, you need to know how much your ex makes and the cost of covering the kids on health insurance. If you don’t have all the information you need, talk to your lawyer. We can get the details you need to feel confident in mediation.
- 2. Has there been abuse in the relationship?
If you’ve been the victim of physical or psychological abuse, control, or intimidation, mediation is probably not right for you. The reason is that abusive relationships often have an imbalance of power. Often the victim is easily persuaded to do what the other spouse wants to avoid their anger. In fact, good mediators screen for domestic violence before they will take on a case for this very reason.
- 3. Are you clear on what you want?
Before you walk in to mediation, take the time to really think about what you want to get out of it. Then, sit down with your lawyer and have a talk about what your goals are. What is most important to you in this divorce? When you picture your life after divorce, what is it like? Can you think of anything that your spouse might really want that you don’t care as much about? What are your absolute must-haves for any settlement? Knowing what’s important to you will make it easier to know when to compromise and when to hold your ground.
Here’s an example: In a mediation I recently did, the husband really wanted more weekend time with the kids. The wife was not a huge fan of this idea, but there was something that was even more important to her: Holidays. She was very religious, and spending Easter with the kids and taking them to church was a big value for her. Once we understood what was most important to each person, we came up with a compromise: Mom gets Easter every year, and dad gets more weekend time.
Here is another one we often see: People who have a pension often want to keep that pension and not have to split it in divorce. If you go to court, the court is most likely going to divide up that pension between you. However, if there is another asset (maybe the house) that the other party really wants, there might be a good trade-off. She keeps her pension, he keeps the house, and everyone feels like they got a good deal.
- 4. Are you willing to give a little?
If you aren’t willing to compromise at all, mediation is a waste of your time and money. If you’re determined not to give an inch, you’re better off going straight to court and letting a judge to decide. The mediator’s job is not to help you convince your ex to see things your way, but to find a middle ground you can both live with.
If you have all the information you need, you’re clear on what you want, you’re ready to compromise, and there was no abuse in the relationship, you are ready to mediate. Give us a call and we’ll help you get ready.