Congratulations! Your divorce is comfortably behind you. You have a new partner, and your kids adore them. Is it time to make them officially “mom” or “dad”? Is stepparent adoption right for you?
Parental Rights Are Serious Business
The first thing to understand when deciding if stepparent adoption is in the cards for you is that the right to parent your child is a Constitutional right. Stepparent adoption means that the relationship between your kids and their biological mom or dad is totally cut off. In the law, we say that the biological parent is a “legal stranger” to the child after adoption, just like any other stranger off the street.
That means that if your ex has any kind of relationship with your kids, even if it’s a lousy one, then your spouse will not be able to adopt your kids. The court is very, very reluctant to cut off a parent’s constitutional right to have a relationship with their child. Although this might seem unfair or even outrageous when it comes to your deadbeat ex, trust me: we really want the court to take our parental rights to our kids very seriously.
So, When Does Stepparent Adoption Work?
There are three scenarios where stepparent adoption could be a good choice for your family. I’ve listed them here from easiest to hardest.
1. Your Ex Agrees.
If your ex is fine with your spouse adopting your child, then your stepparent adoption is going to be quick and easy. Your lawyer will draft a document for your ex to sign to show that they consent to the adoption, you’ll file it with the court along with your adoption petition, and boom! You probably won’t even have to come to court for this type of adoption.
2. Your Ex Hasn’t Contacted Your Kids for 6 Months or More
Under Virginia adoption law, if you haven’t contacted your child for 6 months or more without a really damn good reason, then you are considered to have abandoned that child, and the court can grant an adoption without your consent. So, if your ex is one of those parents who sends a birthday card once a year, you can file for stepparent adoption after six months.
There are a couple of important things to know about this. First, if you are keeping your ex from contacting the child, then it doesn’t count. So don’t go blocking them on your phone or moving away and not telling them, because the court does not find that amusing.
Second, your ex still has the right to be notified of the adoption and to contest it if they wish. So keep those phone and email logs so that you are prepared to prove that they haven’t tried to contact the child in the last six months.
3. Your Ex Is a Seriously Bad Person, and You Can Prove It
This is by far the most difficult and expensive way to do a stepparent adoption, but for some people, it’s really worth it. Under Virginia law, if a birth parent objects to his or her child being adopted, the adoption can still go through if the court finds that the birth parent is “withholding consent contrary to the best interests of the child.” That’s a lot of words to say “it would be much better for the child to be adopted.” This is not an easy road. As I mentioned earlier, the right to parent your child is a constitutional right. However, some parents mess up so badly that the court decides it would just be better for everyone to let the stepparent be the parent.
When is this true? A few examples include when the birth parent:
- Is in jail for a long sentence
- Has a history of domestic violence
- Has a serious mental illness
- Has done the bare minimum to keep in touch with the child
This type of adoption is much more difficult and expensive than the first two types. The reason is that the court will have to hold a trial to decide what is in the best interests of the child, which takes a lot of time (and therefore, money). However, in some cases where the birth parent is really not good for the child, this is absolutely the way to go.
Experience Matters
Even more than any other area of the law, it’s important to choose an experienced lawyer for an adoption. If you expect your ex to resist, it’s essential that you choose an experienced adoption lawyer who has a track record of winning contested adoption cases. If you choose a really good lawyer, they will tell you to not even try this unless you have a really strong case. Experienced lawyers are not here to waste your money. We want to help you achieve what’s best for your children.
Ask your lawyer how many contested adoption cases they have done, and what the result has been. A great adoption lawyer will have a high success rate, because they advise folks who are unlikely to win to save their money for their kids’ college instead of throwing it away on a weak adoption case.
Do you have an adoption story to share? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
