If you found this site at 3 a.m. by Googling “is divorce bad for kids,” I want to say hi, friend. You’re not alone. If you’re feeling a bit confused right now, it’s not you. Even researchers who get paid good money for this stuff don’t always agree on the impact of divorce on children.
Some studies link divorce to every bad outcome for kids, from bad grades to drug use. Others say that divorce is a lot better for kids than living in a home where the parents are miserable together. So, who is right? The real answer is, “it depends.” Let’s talk about a few things that everyone agrees upon. By comparing what we know for sure about kids to your specific situation, you can get a better idea of what is good for your family.
Being exposed to nasty conflict is bad for kids.
If you and your spouse can disagree respectfully and either work out a solution or agree to talk about it later, then it’s fine – maybe even good – to let your kids see you argue every now and then. But if an argument in your home means screaming, name-calling, and swearing, only to storm away from each other without solving the problem, your marriage might be doing your kids more harm than your divorce would. This kind of conflict is a recipe for anxiety in children, which makes it hard for them to thrive at school and can cause troubling acting out. Also, it teaches horrible lessons about how to solve disagreements with others. If this type of conflict is the norm in your house, it’s better for your kids if you call it quits.
Being put in the middle is bad for kids.
There are not many worse things that you can do to kids than making them feel like they have to choose between their parents. Here are a few examples of behaviors that are absolutely toxic to children:
- Talking badly about the other parent in front of the kids. This includes talking on the phone about your partner where the kids can hear you.
- Using the kids to relay messages to the other parent
- Making the kids feel bad for spending time with the other parent
- Making them feel like they are not safe with the other parent (“did your mom feed you while I was out or did she forget again?”)
- Talking to the kids about your marriage issues. Your kids are not your therapist.
- Not sharing information about the kids. If dad didn’t come to Back to School Night because he’s a jerk, that’s one thing. If he didn’t come because you didn’t tell him about it, that’s another.
If you are doing any of the above, I have just one message for you: Stop it.
Not knowing what to expect is bad for kids.
Do you or your spouse threaten to leave, or worse, actually leave and come back, over and over? Is your arguing frequent enough that your kids suspect divorce might be next? Not knowing what to expect at home can cause kids severe anxiety. Can you imagine concentrating through the school day when you don’t know what kind of situation you are coming home to that day? Many adult children of divorce report feeling relieved when their parents divorced, because at least then they knew where things stood.
Kids learn about relationships from you.
As children, our parents’ relationship is the first one that we see up close and personal. Kids learn what relationships should be by watching us. They learn how they should expect to be treated by watching how our partners treat us. If you are staying in your marriage for your kids, think about this: Would you want your kids to be in a relationship like yours?
The author Glennon Doyle writes about the moment when she realized her daughter was learning about relationships from her. “I stayed in a broken marriage for my children, and one day I was looking at my daughter, and I thought ‘Oh, my god, I am staying in this marriage for her. But would I want this marriage for her?’ If I would not want this marriage for her, why am I modeling bad love and calling that good mothering?”
If you’re miserable all the time, or your partner treats you like garbage, or your home has turned into a stew pot of simmering resentment, chances are that staying married isn’t doing your kids any favors.
Safety is number one.
Listen up: If your partner is violent, don’t spend time hanging out on my blog and wondering whether you should leave. Get out, now, and get yourself and those children safe. You can start with resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline to help you make a plan.
Similarly, if your partner has untreated addiction to drugs or alcohol, you’ve got to put safety first. Don’t wait until they drive drunk with the kids in the car or burn the house down by leaving the stove on when they’re intoxicated. Sometimes the best thing you can do to help someone is to not tolerate their bullshit.
How you tell them matters.
The news that their parents are divorcing is never easy for kids, but how you tell them makes a tremendous difference. If possible, you and your spouse should talk in advance about how to tell the kids about your divorce, and then do it together. Make sure the kids know that you both love them and that the divorce is in no way their fault. Make sure they know that they will still get to spend time with both of you. Explain what steps are coming next, not in the divorce process itself, but in the household. Is someone moving out? When? When will the kids see that parent again? Stay present and answer any questions they might have, understanding that their emotional reactions might be hard for you to hear. Be patient. It’s their family, too.
A therapist can help.
During times of change and stress, having a neutral person to talk to can make all the difference. A qualified child therapist doesn’t have a dog in this fight, so they can just listen and support your child during this transition. While you’re at it, consider a therapist for yourself, as well. The healthier you are, the better you can support your kids.
It depends.
In my years as a divorce lawyer, I have seen a lot of families. I’ve seen couples who stayed together who did some serious damage to their kids with the toxic environment in their home. I’ve also seen divorced couples whose kids did beautifully because their parents always put their needs first. I’ve seen people who weren’t necessarily happy together, but they made it work until their kids left the nest. I have come to believe that divorce isn’t what hurts kids – unhealthy families hurt kids. By educating yourself about what makes a healthy home – whether the parents are together or not – you are taking the first step.