Let’s say your kid messes up, big time. He’s disrespectful to grandma. Paints the dog. Sneaks out of the house in the night. Whatever it is, it calls for consequences. But what consequences? Time out? Time in? Spanking? Grounding? Taking away privileges? Or just having a Serious Talk? With all the discipline methods out there, it amazes me more when parents do agree on how to discipline their kids than when they don’t.
Beyond just what consequences there should be when rules get broken, parents also sometimes disagree about what the rules even are. How old does a child need to be to get a cell phone? What time is bedtime? Can they wear shoes in the house? Do they have to ask to be excused from the dinner table? How much screen time is allowed each day? There are tons of rules like these, where there is no right or wrong answer. Reasonable parents may differ.
I’m not here to tell you which discipline method is best. I’m here to talk about what to do when you can’t get on the same page with your ex or soon-to-be-ex spouse.
Realize that it’s normal.
Even happily married parents often disagree about how to discipline the kids. Since the dawn of civilization, parents have been disagreeing about how to raise children. So, chances are that yours will turn out okay.
Age matters.
Having different sets of rules and consequences with each parent is much more confusing for little kids (under about 5 or 6 years old) than for older ones. If it’s possible to have consistent rules when they’re little, try to do it. But if you can’t, don’t panic.
Draw the line at physical or humiliating punishments.
Even if you were spanked as a child and think you turned out great, you need to know that the law frowns on corporal punishment. Not only is there a possibility that Child Protective Services could come knocking on your door, but it can be held against you in custody proceedings if you spank and your spouse does not. This also goes for many “creative” punishments that parents come up with, such as making their children hold an uncomfortable position, go outside inappropriately dressed for the weather, wear an embarrassing outfit to school, etc. If you wouldn’t want to have to explain it to a judge, think twice about doing it to your kid.
Try to work it out, but know when to give up.
Try to have a respectful talk with your spouse about why you think your discipline style is best for your child. Then shut up and really listen to why they think their discipline style is best. See if you can come to a compromise. But if you really aren’t getting anywhere and just end up fighting about it, it’s ok to give up. Which brings me to my next point….
It really is okay to have different rules!
Sure, in an ideal world all parents would agree on how to raise their kids. But if we lived in an ideal world, this blog would not exist and we would all be eating calorie-free desserts instead of reading about divorce. Having different rules at each parent’s house is not going to ruin your child, I promise.
Talk about it.
If you and your spouse discipline differently and/or have different rules, I can promise you that at some point your child will say to you, “NO FAIR, I am allowed to do that at mom’s/dad’s house!” Ugh.
Here’s what you do. Let’s say for the sake of this example that you are mom. Simply say “you’re right, it sounds like dad and I have different views on that one. But I am the parent at this house, and this is the rule here. I expect you to follow dad’s rules at dad’s house and my rules here.” Simple. Show respect for your spouse, and respect for yourself. Your child learns the valuable lesson that people can disagree and still respect each other. You are a parenting rockstar.
If you can, you should also talk about the differences with your ex. That way, your kids can’t exploit your differences to get what they want by pitting you against each other.
Support the other parent.
You don’t have to have the same rules in your house as your ex does at theirs. But that doesn’t mean you can undermine their rules during their time. If you allow smartphone use in your house but your ex does not, you should be taking that smartphone when the kids leave for visitation. If your kids call you up and say “mom is being a jerk and won’t let me play video games until my homework is done. Can you come get me?” the answer is no, absolutely not. If your kids tell you about a rule at your ex’s house and you think it’s idiotic, bite your damn tongue. Just say “huh, I do it differently here,” and move along.
Practice letting go.
One of the hardest things about divorce is that you have to accept that you can no longer control what goes on at the other parent’s house on their time. You have to accept that their rules are different. Their idea of what’s safe and what’s not is different. They’re allowed to go to a different church than you. If you’ve grounded your kids, your ex doesn’t have to enforce that grounding at their house. It’s Not. Your. House.
I get it. It’s maddening. But I am here to tell you: You can’t control what happens at the other parent’s house. Let it go and do the best you can.
Do you have a whopper of a parenting disagreement story? What works for you? Leave it in the comments!