Have you ever heard the saying “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”? It’s good advice, and it goes double when it comes to talking about your child’s other parent.
I get it.
Your ex is a terrible person.
Probably a certifiable narcissist.
No, seriously!
But here’s the problem: No matter how terrible your ex may be (and trust me – I have heard it all), chances are that your child not only loves them, but also thinks they are like them.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is when we hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time. If you’ve ever seen an adorable farm animal and then come home to a delicious meat dinner, you have experienced cognitive dissonance. It’s uncomfortable. Taken to extremes, it can hurt.
This is what happens when you tell your child that their other parent is bad, but the child has experienced that parent as being good. The same dad who you say is the scum of the earth is the one that your kids know as the fun dad who takes them to the park and reads them stories with all the funny voices. The same mom that you describe to them as caring only about money is the one who makes them Jello when they’re sick and gives the best hugs. Its confusing, and deep down, it makes them wonder if they are allowed to love you both.
In most cases (not all, but most), your children have not had the bad experience with your ex that you had. They don’t know the crappy things that your ex has done, and that’s all as it should be. They need the freedom to love both their parents.
I see me in you.
On a deep level, children think of themselves as being like their parents. When you say “your mother is a loser” or “your dad is a selfish jerk,” your child hears “I am a loser” and “I am a selfish jerk.” Why? Because children believe they are like their parents. Of course they do. If you love someone with all your heart and they are a loser, what does that make you?
Let kids be kids.
There will come a time when your child is old enough when they will start to form their own opinions about their parents. They may well see your ex as a negative example – how NOT to be. But it won’t happen because you were constantly reminding your child what a jerk his or her other parent is. Trust me – if your ex really is a jerk, your child will figure it out without your help.
The best gift you can give your child is the freedom to love BOTH their parents with all their heart. If you can’t say something nice, shut up. If you disagree, it’s okay to say “you know, mom/dad and I disagree on that one. What do you think?”
