You worked hard to create a visitation schedule that works for both you and your ex. Weekends, holidays, birthdays, and summer vacation are all spelled out. You agreed upon who would pick the kids up, and where. And now, it’s Friday night and time for the visitation exchange, and…your child refuses to go. What?
First of all, know that you’re not alone. Kids refusing to go to visitation with a parent is a very, very common problem in divorce. It’s so common that divorce professionals even have a name for it: “Resist/Refuse cases.” Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier when it happens to you. Let’s dive into what’s going on and what to do about it.
Tips for the Sending Parent
There are some basic ground rules that can help prevent resistance from turning into a huge problem. If you follow these tips from day one, it will make custodial changes 1,000 percent easier.
- Actively encourage. A common reaction I see when a child says they want to go to visitation is for the parent to sympathize. “I know you don’t want to go, honey. But you have to. It’s important.” Not cool. That’s what you say to a kid who has to go to the dentist or get a shot at the doctor. Instead, adopt a positive attitude and actively encourage them to go. Point out something they like doing at the other parent’s house, like “you always love riding bikes at your dad’s. Let’s make sure we pack your jacket for that.”
- Manage transitions. Especially for younger kids, changing activities is hard. Changing houses is even harder! Make sure to leave lots of time to get ready for the transition (15, 10, and 5 minute warnings, for example). Look at the calendar together so they know when the change is coming. Let your child be involved in packing for the weekend. And when they get back, give them some time to decompress and get used to being back in your home.
- Be cool at the beginning. When you drop your child off, the correct thing to say is “have a great time at your mom’s/dad’s.” That’s it. When you say things like “call me if you have any problems,” that sends your child the message that you think there’s a problem that they might need rescuing from.
- Be cool in the middle. Similarly, texting your child or calling them too often during the other parent’s time to “check in” sends the message that they might not be safe with the other parent, or even that you have a hard time living without them. One call or text during the other parent’s day is okay. But texting and calling all day long is not.
- Be cool at the end. When your child comes home and the first words out of your mouth are “What happened? Was it okay? Did you get enough to eat?” that tells your child you don’t trust the other parent to take care of them. Look, I know it’s hard to get used to the changes that happen in your family in divorce. I know it’s hard to let go. Maybe you really do have doubts about your ex’s ability to care for your kids. But when you tell them that, it creates big problems in their relationships with both of you. Similarly, don’t interrogate them about what happened during their visit with the other parent, who was there, what they did, what people said, etc. In a lot of ways, it’s really not your business.
- Don’t be alarmed. Imagine your child was saying they didn’t want to go to school. Would you get alarmed and say “what? Did something bad happen to you there? Are they hurting you? What did they say to you?” My guess is, you would never do that, because you know it would only freak your child out more about going to school. Instead, you would use your authority as a parent and tell them that they had to go to school.
But when kids refuse to go to the other parent’s house, this is often exactly the path parents take. They assume that the child doesn’t want to go because of some act of abuse or neglect in the other parent’s care, and begin questioning them intensely. In truth, your child might just not feel like going anywhere right now. To make things worse, they know that they can get sympathy from you because you don’t really like your ex anyway. They know that you, too, would rather they stayed home with you. Just like you would for school attendance, make it clear that it’s not optional.
Tips for the Receiving Parent
If you are the parent that the child doesn’t want to go to, it can be hurtful and frustrating. Here are a few tips.
- Don’t lash out at the other parent. When you blame the other parent for the child’s refusal to come with you and fight with them over it, it only makes things worse. I get it – it’s frustrating, especially if you suspect that the other parent is saying bad things about you and encouraging the child not to go with you. But if possible, approach the situation with curiosity and a commitment to working together. If that doesn’t work, you have remedies in court, so handle the situation there, where your child can’t see and hear you.
- The police are a last resort. It’s a great idea to call the police if you want literally everyone (the police, your ex, and your child) to be mad at you. While the police can help enforce a valid court order on custody and visitation, they are not going to physically force a stubborn teen or frightened child to go with you. They are more likely to scare your child. It’s also a terrible position for the officers to be in – I can guarantee you that none of them went into police work to get in the middle of custody disputes. The only time it’s really appropriate to call the police is if your ex is refusing to give the kids to you for your custodial time, and you can do it with minimal or no exposure to the police for your kids.
- Use some flexibility. Make no mistake about it – custody orders have to be followed. They are not suggestions. However, if your child is overtired, emotional, and having a meltdown, it’s probably best let him get some sleep and try again in the morning. If your teen is staging a rebellion because she doesn’t want to miss her school football game to be with you, maybe go to the game with her instead of dragging her back to your house, hating you every step of the way. Parenthood is not a power game, it’s a relationship.
- Behavior issues are normal. I often hear clients say “my child’s behavior is a mess when they come to me from my ex’s house! They must not have any rules at their house!” Actually, it’s completely normal for kids to act out when they are transitioning from one house to another. Changing to a different environment with different rules and routines is hard, even for adults. Give your child (and yourself) some grace.
- Talk it out. If your child says they don’t want to spend time with you, talk to them about it with genuine curiosity. Maybe they don’t like being home alone after school between when the bus lets them off and you get home from work. Maybe they miss their friends. Maybe they don’t like the way you speak to them when you’re mad. These are all problems with solutions. If you can listen to really understand them, you’ll help your relationship thrive for a lifetime.
One Special Exception
There are some (fortunately rare) incidents where kids really are victims of abuse or neglect at another parent’s house. I’m not suggesting that every case where a child is refusing visitation is as simple as being encouraging and firm. If you truly suspect that your child is being mistreated in your ex’s care, I encourage you to respond according to the urgency of the situation, whether it’s urgent (call the police and child protective services) or just a suspicion (hire a therapist experienced in child psychology to help get to the bottom of it and/or a family lawyer to help you change custody). No child deserves to be abused or neglected, at home or anywhere else.
Do you have a custody question and need expert guidance? Contact Vaughan Family Law and we’ll get you in for a consultation!
